Communicating Effectively

     How many times have you found yourself apologizing for something that you said because someone took it in a way other than what you meant? Trust me, you're not alone, we've all been there! Communication is a lot more complicated than it seems. For example, communication through texting can be a little tricky. We cannot hear how the other person is saying something, so we can easily think they said it one way when they really meant it in another. In one of the readings I did in preparation for this week's lesson there was a part in the reading where someone said that when they say a word it only means what they mean, not more or less. I thought this was really interesting because communication isn't perfect. There will be times when our words will mean something else to someone else. I do believe that effective communication can be very useful in any type of relationship. Sometimes it can be hard to communicate when we are upset, so here is a way we can work on effective communication when upset so that we let the other person know exactly how we are feeling and they don't interpret our words as something else. 

     When trying to communicate while upset, remember to use these words:

When________________

I feel_________________(taking ownership of your emotions)

Because_______________(self disclosure)

I would like____________

     This will better help explain to someone why it is that you are upset, what things they are doing that upset, and allows you to take ownership of your own feelings as well as being able to express them. The last step allows you to suggest what you would like to happen instead to avoid miscommunication again. 

     Something else that we covered in class was The EAR checklist. The EAR checklist stands for Empathy, Assertiveness, and Respect. When you have empathy for someone you acknowledge their feelings and find truth in what they are saying. Assertiveness is shown through expressing your feelings openly, directly, and tactically using "I feel" statement. Respect is shown by conveying caring and respect even when you are frustrated or annoyed with the other person. Following the EAR checklist will allow you to communicate effectively.  

     One more thing we discussed in class this week was about mutual problem solving. This comes in handy when making decisions as a family during family council. When making decisions one should come to a consensus, not a compromise. In a consensus everyone comes to the same conclusion, in a compromise you simply find a balance between the two options but neither side gets what they want. Also when it comes to family council, it should start and finish the same way. You should start with expressing love and appreciation, then a prayer, discuss to consensus, prayer, and then something that unites everyone. 

Dealing with Family Crisis

     This week I had the opportunity to discuss what to do when the family is under stress. Like any other family, my family has gone through a fair share of family crisis. Throughout this week's lesson, we talked about what things can cause stress to a family and how to get over that stress. Stress can be caused by an event or a stressor. Sometimes we think that the best way to deal with something is to just ignore it and never speak about it, but something that I took away from this lesson is that coping is not just getting by, it is making those adjustments that will help the family progress.
   
     A few weeks ago, I was woken up in the middle of the night by a call from my oldest sister. She was calling to inform me that my grandmother had passed away. This was not something that happened out of nowhere, we knew it was coming because we had known that she wasn't doing well a few months back. Although I knew that day would come, I found myself crying uncontrollably. Now, you must know, I was not very close to my grandmother at all, I had met her once 22 years ago and had not seen her since. I had only vague memories of her. Something I learned this week is that it is not the event that creates feelings, it's the thoughts of the event that create feelings. I was having trouble understanding why I was so sad and heartbroken over her death when I wasn't close with her at all. I realized that the reason I was really sad to hear about her death was because I was thinking about it, I was focused on the event itself. All I could think of was that she had died and it was making me feel guilty for not really getting to know her, and also sad because I would no longer get the opportunity to do so in this life. But most of all, I was sad because I was thinking of my dad and how he must be feeling. 

     This event could have been something that I could have easily ignored because I was not close with my grandmother, but I think that taking the time to really process it and figure out how to get passed it helped me in the end. I think what helped me process it was knowing that she is in a better place now and that even though I didn't have the opportunity to get to know her while on earth, I will get to see her again eventually.

Sexual Intimacy and Infidelity

     Sexual Intimacy has become a topic that is so taboo that it is becoming more and more difficult to discuss it with children because we feel that it's bad. Yes, sexual intimacy is something that only adults should participate in, but I think that it is something we should be able to educate children about. I personally was never given the "talk" and I was left to learn about sexual intimacy at school or through friends and movies. 

     As a result of not educating children about sexual intimacy, we can see an increase on teen pregnancies, on younger children being sexually harassed and therefore becoming sexualized at a young age. As for adults, who did not grow up having a knowledge of the importance of sexual intimacy between husband and wife, they can develop depression, low self-esteem, low or no trust in a relationship, they lack commitment, struggle creating bonds, and objectify their significant other. When this happens I feel like it becomes easier for someone to fall into infidelity. Which contrary to what most people think, has several forms. There can be emotional and physical, and attached and detached. To learn about the different types more in depth read "Affair Prevention". 

     Something that I did not know for the longest time was that an affair is more than just having physical relations with someone other than your spouse. It can also be an affair is you have an emotional attachment to someone else, or even something else. Basically anything that will take time away from time that you could be spending to strengthen your relationship with your spouse. 

     It has become more clear to me why people who get married eventually stop talking to friends they had that were of the opposite sex. I have had friends that have complained about their friends not talking to them after getting married, but knowing what I know now I actually think it is great that they stopped talking. I have heard so many stories of people who find old friends through social media and think it would be great to get together to catch up but rather than just "catching up" they end up cheating on/leaving their spouse for this "old friend". 

     Throughout writing this blog the only thing that keeps coming to mind is a quote from President Thomas S. Monson where he says, "choose your love; love your choice". In his talk he goes on to say that commitment in a marriage is essential. You can read the rest of the talk titled "Priesthood Power". His talk mentions how in a marriage both husband and wife are equals and neither one should act like they are superior than the other. I am not married but I truly believe that when you are not fully committed to your marriage you risk falling into temptation. Not being fully committed or not choosing to love your choice leaves a door open for Satan to sneak in and try to convince someone that they are not happy in their marriage, or that they can find happiness outside of their marriage.

    

     Like I said, I am not married so there are certain things about marriage that I do not know or understand at the moment, but I know that I have great examples of what a marriage should be, whether it be my parents, siblings, or friends and I hope that I can be as committed to my future spouse as they are to theirs because they have great marriages. 

 

The Steps Toward Marriage

     Last week we discussed all about dating, but this we got to talk about marriage. But obviously we don't just transition from dating to marriage, so here are the four transitions:

1) Dating
2) Courtship
3) Engagement
4) Marriage

     Dating gives us the opportunity to meet lots of people and discover the type of person we eventually want to marry. Once we find someone that we like and decide that we only want to date them, that is when we would exclusively date them. Which means that it is more serious and you would consider yourselves to be in a relationship. And of course, if that works out you would move to engagement and eventually marriage.

     Throughout this class and a few others, I have discovered that in the dating, courting, and engagement stages it is very crucial to ask certain questions about how things might be during marriage. Maybe we wouldn't think to as certain questions while dating someone because in our minds we think, "it isn't serious so maybe I shouldn't bring this up now". But what if things do become serious and you didn't think to ask how many kids they want? What is your attitude about debt? How much debt they/or you are in? How do they feel about getting financial help from family? Do you want to share finances and assets? What is their expectation about who will earn the money in the family? How do they feel about tithing and donations? Or how do they feel about church or church activities? These are all things we should all ask while still in the dating stage because I feel that if we tell ourselves that "we can figure it out later" it will be harder to do so later. We might eventually reach a point where we might be confused because you love someone but then realize that you don't agree on everything.

     I have always been told that the first year of marriage is the hardest, but I always wondered why. In my mind I thought it would be the easiest because you are newlyweds and don't have kids so you get to spend a lot of time together. I didn't occur to me until hearing personally from family members and friends that it really is the hardest. There are so many things that change from from being single to being married. You need to take into account the fact that you will now share a bed, a bathroom, expenses, and much more. For example within the first month it is important to establish boundaries with friends and family, household rules and roles, schedules, and budgets. Within the first year you'll want to turn your house into a home, decide where you go for the holidays, start your own traditions, and how often you visit family if they live nearby.

     These are all things that one not take into account but are very important in establishing early on in the marriage. My sister and her husband are both on the same page when it come to receiving financial help from their families, so they decided that when it comes to choosing where to go for the holidays it will just depend on whether they can afford to go somewhere or not. If they don't have the money they just stay home and do their own thing.

     For those who struggle in the first year of marriage, there is a never failing formula which has four steps and they are:

1) Proper approach to marriage
2) There must be great unselfishness
3) Continued courtship
4) Complete living of the commandments

     I have seen how my sister and her husband have followed these steps and they definitely had a great first year of marriage.

Millennial Dating

     I'm pretty sure that I'm not the only girl who grew up dreaming about her dream wedding all through her teenage years. As I got older, I started planning what age I wanted to get married and what type of guy I wanted to marry. Sadly, I am now in college and nowhere near finding the boy of my dreams.

     

     Dating has always been something that I have struggled with but since joining the LDS church I have found it even harder to date. The church encourages us to date around and find out what type of person is a good fit for us, but it seems to me that the type of dating these days isn't very effective. It seems like people nowadays are most focused on the physical aspects of the relationship instead of taking the time to really get to know each other. 

     

     This week in class we learned about an equation that helps two people really get to know each other. 

          

     Togetherness (shared activities)

     Talk (mutual self-disclosure)

   +Time (3-6 months to really start to get to know someone)

    -----------------

     Know

     Getting to know someone is so important because in a relationship, passionate love, which includes physical intimacy, can only be dominant for so long. People who tend to build a relationship solely on physical affection tend to have problems staying in those relationships because they later realize that a relationship can't survive on just that. There needs to be a balance in many aspects of the relationship. In a book called How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk by John Van Epp, he describes what is called the RAM model which stands for Relationship Attachment Model. 

(Image source: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/72268769001127641/?lp=true)

     The RAM model describes how in a relationship you must get to know someone before you can trust them, trust them before you can rely on them, rely on them before committing to them, and committing to them before there is any physical touch. 

     I really liked this model, but I feel like a lot of couples are moving too fast into physical touch and not taking the time to get to know each other. As a result of this, I have witnessed so many couples get divorced or brake off engagements. Obviously breaking off an engagement is better than getting married and then having to get divorced because the marriage didn't work out, but as a single girl who already struggles with dating, seeing how things have turned out with others doesn't necessarily get me excited to go out and date. 

     So, for those of you out there who feel the same way I do about dating but want to get out there and give it a go, just remember Togetherness, Talk, and Time! These are the three most important things to knowing someone. Also, remember the RAM model and keep the balance with know, trust, rely, commit, and touch. The physical part of a relationship might seem more fun and appealing, but remember the goal is a long lasting relationship not a NCMO.