Essential Differences

Before converting to the LDS church, I used to never really pay attention to the differences in gender. I knew that men and women were different but it was never anything I really gave much importance to. It wasn't until reading The Family:A Proclamation to the World that I discovered how important the differences between men and women were. I truly believe that Heavenly Father created us this way because these different characteristics combined in a marriage are essential to raising children. In class we discussed how men are aggressive and women are emotional.

As we discussed about gender in class we talked about how the fact that women are more emotional probably helps them be more nurturing and the fact that men are more aggressive most likely helps them provide for their family. Obviously, there are certain things that a mother would be more likely to do than a father and things a father would be more likely to do than a mother and I think that the reason behind this is the differences between men and women.

After discussing the roles between men and women we jumped into discussing same-sex attraction. I know what you’re thinking, how do these two topics even relate? Well I had the same thought up until this week. After watching videos and reading up on some articles on same-sex attraction I was quite shocked about what I read. Personally, I used to really believe that people with same-sex attraction were really born that way, but after reading up on it and watching interviews of people who used to be attracted to the same sex, I would have to say that I don’t believe that anymore. Through watching these videos I was able to learn that a lot of people who identify as gay or lesbian have usually been sexually abused. Also, here is where the parental roles come in, Floyd Godfrey found that some reasons why people grow up thinking they are gay or lesbian is because they have father hunger, or mother confusion. This to me sounds like they didn’t have healthy relationships with either parent, which  to me just confirms even more the importance in the differences between men and women and the importance of the roles a mother and father play.
It’s when children don’t develop a strong healthy relationship with their parents that they start looking for that love and affection from the same gender as the parent that neglects them, or at least that is what I gathered from my reading. But, something that I found very interesting was that a lot of people who claim to be gay or lesbian only actually claimed to be after they had been sexually abused. This was really interesting to me because in most cases people say they have always know that they were gay since a young age. But, at that age how can you really know if you are if you haven’t been sexually involved with someone of the same gender.
In one of the readings I found it talked about how repeating certain behaviors could create differences in the brain, i’m obviously not an expert but perhaps when a child gets told repeatedly that he is gay, he starts to believe it. After all, there is no conclusive evidence that it is a biological thing.

Cultural Traditions

As we discussed in class this week, I was reminded of my own family and the things my parents had to do to ensure that I had a good future. They wanted to make sure that all their children had a good future, so they immigrated to the U.S with my three older siblings. Once in the U.S, my older sister, me, and my younger brother were born. Similar to the families in the study we read, my parents decided to go to mexico to visit their parents because they had been away for several years. While being in mexico for six months, my dad decided to come back to the U.S by himself to get everything ready for us to come back. Luckily, it was only a couple months and not three years like the families in the study. I might not have spent a lot of time in mexico and might have been very young, but it was long enough for me to experience some of the traditions of my culture.

All through my childhood it became very apparent to me that family was very important. No one’s family is perfect, and mine is definitely not the exception. For one reason or another my siblings have stopped talking to each other in the past and might still have their differences, but one thing that I have always appreciated is that whenever we need each other we are always there for each other. This is something that I have noticed in the mexican culture, not to say that it isn’t this way in any other culture, and it is something that I have always admired. I think that the importance of family is something that I would like to be able to teach to my future family because I believe it is what has kept my family in tact. I think that teaching the importance of family to my future family will be easy, especially being a member of the LDS church because I feel that it is one of the most important things we are taught.

One thing that I have noticed in the mexican culture that I do not appreciate and have always had a problem with is the belief that men are superior to women. This is something that I have personally seen in my own family and didn’t question for the majority of my life. It wasn’t until I got older that I started to notice it more. Even now it still happens when I go back home, It will be something as simple as my mother asking me to serve my brother a plate when we eat dinner. I would never question it, but then I started to question why he couldn’t do it himself and my mother would always say it was because he went to work and came home tired. It seems that this is always the excuse for men in my family to get out of doing certain things or doing anything at all. It’s almost as if they feel like they have the right to not help out at home because they work and provide for the family. This aspect of the mexican culture is something that I would like to change because I feel that it has been the reason for some of the problems that I have had with my family, like not having the best relationship with my brothers for example. Since joining the church I have learned that husband and wife should work as equal partners.This is something that I have been able to witness through my sister and her husband and I can see how different their relationship is compared to my parents. It’s definitely the kind of relationship that I hope to have and the type of relationship my future children get to see.  

A Balance in Dynamics

Have you ever noticed when you go out to eat at a restaurant or when you’re at the grocery store the different family dynamics? It doesn’t matter how big or small the family is, there are always certain relationships within the family. For example, you have a relationship between a mother and a father, a father and a daughter, a mother and a daughter, a mother and a son, and a father and a son. In class we learned about Family Systems Theory which is a theory of human behavior that views the family as an emotional unit, or in other words, when you put stress on one person it doesn’t only affect them, it affects the people around them.

I had actually never even heard of Family Systems Theory until now but once I learned about it I started remembering certain situations about my life growing up that probably could have turned out differently had my parents had a better dynamic. In class we were able to watch a demonstration of a family dynamic while some of my classmates acted out a scenario. In this particular scenario our teacher had a family go to therapy to figure out what the problem was in this particular family dynamic and how to fix it. When the family walked in the mom sat on one bench with her son next to her and her husband on the bench next to him on his own. Now if I were in any other class I would have thought this was normal because I’ve always seen children who have a stronger bond with their mothers instead of their fathers, but because we were talking about family dynamics our teacher pointed out that preferably he’d like to see a mother and father sit next to each other. Anyway, back to the scenario. This particular family was going in because they had been having issues, the son had asthma and the mom felt like whenever her son got asthma attacks her husband wasn’t very helpful. Once he was able to ask each family member to share their perspective on the situation, it turned out that the mom would get stressed when seeing her son having an asthma attack which caused her to scream at her husband, which stressed him out seeing her panicking, which caused their son to stress seeing them arguing. In the end all of their behaviors were interrelated but they couldn’t see that because they were focused on their own perspective.

Once my teacher was able to see how all the behaviors were connected he had them all explain how they felt in this situation and once they realized that their stress was causing each other more stress he explained how to manage this situation in the future. Obviously this was just a scenario in class, but a very realistic one. I learned that when the husband and wife don’t have a strong dynamic it can lead to situations like this one.

As I thought about the husband and wife dynamic it reminded me of something I learned from another class where my teacher mentioned that the best relationships are those where the husband and wife put God first. He drew a triangle with God on the top and the husband and wife down at the bottom. He mentioned that the closer we move towards God the closer we get to our significant other. But, this is something both husband and wife have to work towards because it doesn’t really work if only one of them is moving. So remember that in order to have a good family dynamic the strongest relationship in the family should be the one with the husband and wife.

The Struggle is Real

I recently learned that the fertility rate in the U.S has gone down quite a bit, and if it gets any lower we eventually will reach a point to where the population of the earth will start to decline. I am not so worried about the earth being under populated or over populated though, “For the earth is full, and there is enough and to spare…” (D&C 104:17). What worries me is the fact that less and less children are being born. This wouldn’t be much of a concern to me if I wasn’t a member of the LDS church, but because families are ordained of God and are the central focus of His plan, it’s kind of a scary thought. I have always known, growing up, that someday I would like to become a mother. Since converting to the church I have come to understand that becoming a mother is my calling, but I have also discovered that not every woman, LDS or not, feels the same way. I have made friends throughout my time attending BYUI and have discovered that some close friends of mine really don’t think they are fit to become mothers. I wonder if this is a fear of whether they will be good or bad mothers or if they struggle with the idea to have to be responsible for someone else.  

                I can’t pretend to know their reasons for not wanting to have children, but when it comes down to it, the people that I have met that don’t have or want children have always been strong independent women who are career focused. I recently saw a documentary that mentioned that the fertility rate started to decline because of the women’s revolution, sexual revolution, divorce revolution, and individualism. All these things have contributed to such low fertility rates, but the one that has probably been the most damaging, at least in my opinion, is individualism.

                As a college student I myself have come to realize that living away from family can be kind of liberating. I was always dependent on my parents, siblings, and friends, but when I got to college all of it changed. I no longer had to let my parents know where I was going, how long I was going to be, or even check in when I got home. I was forced to grow up and become responsible for my own actions. I quickly recognized that I liked having my independence. I didn’t realize how much I enjoyed my independence until I had to live with my sister for six months to help her care for her seven-month-old daughter. Her husband worked so we were stuck at home most of the time. This meant that my sister and I would spend all day with my very energetic niece. As adorable as she is, she would ware us out. I learned very quickly that parenting is extremely hard! I didn’t have to take care of her 24/7 or even do all the things a mother does, but even then, it got me thinking if I really wanted to have children someday. It made me question if I would be a good mother or if I would even be capable of doing it. I would look at my sister, who I believe to be one of the strongest women I know and see that she would even struggle with being a mother and questioned her own capability. If she struggles I know for sure I will. In a book I read for a parenting class I am taking I learned about how men and women’s brains are wired differently for a reason. Women’s brains are wired to be more nurturing which is very important when it comes to having children. But what if we don’t consider ourselves to be very nurturing? Something my professor said was, “If women feel like they aren’t nurturing it doesn’t mean that they won’t be good mothers, they still have a female brain. Those nurturing feelings are just dormant. They are like dry mix, they just need water to be activated.”

                Obviously, I don’t have kids and question my capability of raising them, but it’s really comforting to know that I was created by a loving Heavenly Father who does everything for a reason. I am more okay with the idea of someday having children because I know that my Heavenly Father created me in a way to be capable of doing that.