Parenting

     Being a young single adult, I feel like there is not much I can possibly say about parenting because I have no children of myself. But, what if I told you you didn't have to have children to start becoming a great parent?
   
     This week we were able to discuss a bit about parenting, which I found very interesting because it was basically the same things I am currently learning in my parenting class. It has just been great to be able to learn how exactly to raise children. Did you know that parenting doesn't only influence children, but parents as well? Parents are able to develop divine attributes, understand children, and better understand God. As for children, they are able to have their needs be met, they are given a support system, have attachment needs met, and have intergenerational connections. 

     We talked in class about the main things a parent should focus on and those are:

- Protect
- Provide
- Survive
- Thrive

     The role as a parent is to protect your child and provide for them so that they can not only survive, but thrive as well. I feel like there are so many different parenting style, and I think that part of that might have to do a bit with culture. I could be wrong but growing up I noticed that a lot of my friends were expected to move out from their homes and figure out life on their own. Some of them were even kicked out. I know that having your child move out might be beneficial for them because they develop some independence which is good. In my family, children typically don't move out until they get married, or in mine and my sister's case, until we go to college. So, i'm assuming that there are other aspects of parenting that are also very different between cultures. For example, discipline. Because I have been taking a parenting class, I know that there are different ways to discipline, But can you discipline with love?

     The answer is YES! Most definitely. I'm really grateful to be taking the parenting class I'm taking this semester because it has shown me that to be a successful parent, we need to change our mindset. Sometimes as a parent it might be easy to think that your child is just throwing a tantrum, but in reality, they may have needs that aren't being met. It's easy to get upset at them for their behavior, but sometimes we just have to stop and really listen to what they need.

     Again, I am not a parent so I don't have any experience but I have learned a lot from a few books I've read in my parenting class. If you would like to learn more about how to become an effective parent read them! They are Anatomy of Peace, Unconditional Parenting, and Mindset.
     

The Importance of Fatherhood

     As women currently fight to be seen as equals to men, I think that fatherhood is slowly but surely being forgotten. I personally don't think that what they are fighting for is bad, but I do think that it is causing the world to see fatherhood as less important. As we discussed the importance of fatherhood this week, I thought about my own father and my relationship with him. We don't have the best relationship in the world, but I know that it is great compared to anyone who grew up without a dad around. I feel that with all that has been going on in the world recently, fathers will simply become optional. 

     As more independent women realize that they can do anything on their own, they will eventually realize that they can also raise children on their own. They will soon think that fathers are optional. For example, while pregnant, women are the ones who carry the baby so they could assume that the father isn't really necessary. Also, they have the option now to get pregnant without even needing a father for the baby, they simply get a sperm donor. If a single mother struggles financially they can always receive support from the government. Mothers may think they don't need to have a husband to support them, they can work and send their children to daycare. There are many other reasons as to why fatherhood could be eliminated entirely, but there are also reasons as to why it is extremely important. 

     We have discussed the importance of fatherhood a few times in the past and have come to realize that fathers are actually really important for a child's development, especially for a daughter. Studies have found that when a girl grows up having a father around she is more likely to grow up to be a confident, secure woman. Having a father helps children regulate their emotions, and they are really good boundary setters. As well as being an example to their sons on how a man should act, and to their daughter, an example of how a man should treat a woman. 

     It was also discussed whether the father should be responsible for earning the income for the family. To be able to answer that, I think it is really important to refer to The Family: A Proclamation To The World where it says that fathers are to provide for the necessities of life while mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. So personally, I would say that yes, fathers are primarily responsible for providing for their family, BUT it also states in the proclamation that disability, death, or other circumstances may need adaptation. To me this means that maybe the mother may need to be the one responsible for providing the income, it all depends on everyone's personal circumstance. 

     So, even though the world slowly diminishes fatherhood, I think that we should be advocating it because it is really important for children to grow up with a father. I know that if I had not grown up with my father I would definitely not grown up to be the person I am today.

Communicating Effectively

     How many times have you found yourself apologizing for something that you said because someone took it in a way other than what you meant? Trust me, you're not alone, we've all been there! Communication is a lot more complicated than it seems. For example, communication through texting can be a little tricky. We cannot hear how the other person is saying something, so we can easily think they said it one way when they really meant it in another. In one of the readings I did in preparation for this week's lesson there was a part in the reading where someone said that when they say a word it only means what they mean, not more or less. I thought this was really interesting because communication isn't perfect. There will be times when our words will mean something else to someone else. I do believe that effective communication can be very useful in any type of relationship. Sometimes it can be hard to communicate when we are upset, so here is a way we can work on effective communication when upset so that we let the other person know exactly how we are feeling and they don't interpret our words as something else. 

     When trying to communicate while upset, remember to use these words:

When________________

I feel_________________(taking ownership of your emotions)

Because_______________(self disclosure)

I would like____________

     This will better help explain to someone why it is that you are upset, what things they are doing that upset, and allows you to take ownership of your own feelings as well as being able to express them. The last step allows you to suggest what you would like to happen instead to avoid miscommunication again. 

     Something else that we covered in class was The EAR checklist. The EAR checklist stands for Empathy, Assertiveness, and Respect. When you have empathy for someone you acknowledge their feelings and find truth in what they are saying. Assertiveness is shown through expressing your feelings openly, directly, and tactically using "I feel" statement. Respect is shown by conveying caring and respect even when you are frustrated or annoyed with the other person. Following the EAR checklist will allow you to communicate effectively.  

     One more thing we discussed in class this week was about mutual problem solving. This comes in handy when making decisions as a family during family council. When making decisions one should come to a consensus, not a compromise. In a consensus everyone comes to the same conclusion, in a compromise you simply find a balance between the two options but neither side gets what they want. Also when it comes to family council, it should start and finish the same way. You should start with expressing love and appreciation, then a prayer, discuss to consensus, prayer, and then something that unites everyone. 

Dealing with Family Crisis

     This week I had the opportunity to discuss what to do when the family is under stress. Like any other family, my family has gone through a fair share of family crisis. Throughout this week's lesson, we talked about what things can cause stress to a family and how to get over that stress. Stress can be caused by an event or a stressor. Sometimes we think that the best way to deal with something is to just ignore it and never speak about it, but something that I took away from this lesson is that coping is not just getting by, it is making those adjustments that will help the family progress.
   
     A few weeks ago, I was woken up in the middle of the night by a call from my oldest sister. She was calling to inform me that my grandmother had passed away. This was not something that happened out of nowhere, we knew it was coming because we had known that she wasn't doing well a few months back. Although I knew that day would come, I found myself crying uncontrollably. Now, you must know, I was not very close to my grandmother at all, I had met her once 22 years ago and had not seen her since. I had only vague memories of her. Something I learned this week is that it is not the event that creates feelings, it's the thoughts of the event that create feelings. I was having trouble understanding why I was so sad and heartbroken over her death when I wasn't close with her at all. I realized that the reason I was really sad to hear about her death was because I was thinking about it, I was focused on the event itself. All I could think of was that she had died and it was making me feel guilty for not really getting to know her, and also sad because I would no longer get the opportunity to do so in this life. But most of all, I was sad because I was thinking of my dad and how he must be feeling. 

     This event could have been something that I could have easily ignored because I was not close with my grandmother, but I think that taking the time to really process it and figure out how to get passed it helped me in the end. I think what helped me process it was knowing that she is in a better place now and that even though I didn't have the opportunity to get to know her while on earth, I will get to see her again eventually.

Sexual Intimacy and Infidelity

     Sexual Intimacy has become a topic that is so taboo that it is becoming more and more difficult to discuss it with children because we feel that it's bad. Yes, sexual intimacy is something that only adults should participate in, but I think that it is something we should be able to educate children about. I personally was never given the "talk" and I was left to learn about sexual intimacy at school or through friends and movies. 

     As a result of not educating children about sexual intimacy, we can see an increase on teen pregnancies, on younger children being sexually harassed and therefore becoming sexualized at a young age. As for adults, who did not grow up having a knowledge of the importance of sexual intimacy between husband and wife, they can develop depression, low self-esteem, low or no trust in a relationship, they lack commitment, struggle creating bonds, and objectify their significant other. When this happens I feel like it becomes easier for someone to fall into infidelity. Which contrary to what most people think, has several forms. There can be emotional and physical, and attached and detached. To learn about the different types more in depth read "Affair Prevention". 

     Something that I did not know for the longest time was that an affair is more than just having physical relations with someone other than your spouse. It can also be an affair is you have an emotional attachment to someone else, or even something else. Basically anything that will take time away from time that you could be spending to strengthen your relationship with your spouse. 

     It has become more clear to me why people who get married eventually stop talking to friends they had that were of the opposite sex. I have had friends that have complained about their friends not talking to them after getting married, but knowing what I know now I actually think it is great that they stopped talking. I have heard so many stories of people who find old friends through social media and think it would be great to get together to catch up but rather than just "catching up" they end up cheating on/leaving their spouse for this "old friend". 

     Throughout writing this blog the only thing that keeps coming to mind is a quote from President Thomas S. Monson where he says, "choose your love; love your choice". In his talk he goes on to say that commitment in a marriage is essential. You can read the rest of the talk titled "Priesthood Power". His talk mentions how in a marriage both husband and wife are equals and neither one should act like they are superior than the other. I am not married but I truly believe that when you are not fully committed to your marriage you risk falling into temptation. Not being fully committed or not choosing to love your choice leaves a door open for Satan to sneak in and try to convince someone that they are not happy in their marriage, or that they can find happiness outside of their marriage.

    

     Like I said, I am not married so there are certain things about marriage that I do not know or understand at the moment, but I know that I have great examples of what a marriage should be, whether it be my parents, siblings, or friends and I hope that I can be as committed to my future spouse as they are to theirs because they have great marriages. 

 

The Steps Toward Marriage

     Last week we discussed all about dating, but this we got to talk about marriage. But obviously we don't just transition from dating to marriage, so here are the four transitions:

1) Dating
2) Courtship
3) Engagement
4) Marriage

     Dating gives us the opportunity to meet lots of people and discover the type of person we eventually want to marry. Once we find someone that we like and decide that we only want to date them, that is when we would exclusively date them. Which means that it is more serious and you would consider yourselves to be in a relationship. And of course, if that works out you would move to engagement and eventually marriage.

     Throughout this class and a few others, I have discovered that in the dating, courting, and engagement stages it is very crucial to ask certain questions about how things might be during marriage. Maybe we wouldn't think to as certain questions while dating someone because in our minds we think, "it isn't serious so maybe I shouldn't bring this up now". But what if things do become serious and you didn't think to ask how many kids they want? What is your attitude about debt? How much debt they/or you are in? How do they feel about getting financial help from family? Do you want to share finances and assets? What is their expectation about who will earn the money in the family? How do they feel about tithing and donations? Or how do they feel about church or church activities? These are all things we should all ask while still in the dating stage because I feel that if we tell ourselves that "we can figure it out later" it will be harder to do so later. We might eventually reach a point where we might be confused because you love someone but then realize that you don't agree on everything.

     I have always been told that the first year of marriage is the hardest, but I always wondered why. In my mind I thought it would be the easiest because you are newlyweds and don't have kids so you get to spend a lot of time together. I didn't occur to me until hearing personally from family members and friends that it really is the hardest. There are so many things that change from from being single to being married. You need to take into account the fact that you will now share a bed, a bathroom, expenses, and much more. For example within the first month it is important to establish boundaries with friends and family, household rules and roles, schedules, and budgets. Within the first year you'll want to turn your house into a home, decide where you go for the holidays, start your own traditions, and how often you visit family if they live nearby.

     These are all things that one not take into account but are very important in establishing early on in the marriage. My sister and her husband are both on the same page when it come to receiving financial help from their families, so they decided that when it comes to choosing where to go for the holidays it will just depend on whether they can afford to go somewhere or not. If they don't have the money they just stay home and do their own thing.

     For those who struggle in the first year of marriage, there is a never failing formula which has four steps and they are:

1) Proper approach to marriage
2) There must be great unselfishness
3) Continued courtship
4) Complete living of the commandments

     I have seen how my sister and her husband have followed these steps and they definitely had a great first year of marriage.

Millennial Dating

     I'm pretty sure that I'm not the only girl who grew up dreaming about her dream wedding all through her teenage years. As I got older, I started planning what age I wanted to get married and what type of guy I wanted to marry. Sadly, I am now in college and nowhere near finding the boy of my dreams.

     

     Dating has always been something that I have struggled with but since joining the LDS church I have found it even harder to date. The church encourages us to date around and find out what type of person is a good fit for us, but it seems to me that the type of dating these days isn't very effective. It seems like people nowadays are most focused on the physical aspects of the relationship instead of taking the time to really get to know each other. 

     

     This week in class we learned about an equation that helps two people really get to know each other. 

          

     Togetherness (shared activities)

     Talk (mutual self-disclosure)

   +Time (3-6 months to really start to get to know someone)

    -----------------

     Know

     Getting to know someone is so important because in a relationship, passionate love, which includes physical intimacy, can only be dominant for so long. People who tend to build a relationship solely on physical affection tend to have problems staying in those relationships because they later realize that a relationship can't survive on just that. There needs to be a balance in many aspects of the relationship. In a book called How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk by John Van Epp, he describes what is called the RAM model which stands for Relationship Attachment Model. 

(Image source: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/72268769001127641/?lp=true)

     The RAM model describes how in a relationship you must get to know someone before you can trust them, trust them before you can rely on them, rely on them before committing to them, and committing to them before there is any physical touch. 

     I really liked this model, but I feel like a lot of couples are moving too fast into physical touch and not taking the time to get to know each other. As a result of this, I have witnessed so many couples get divorced or brake off engagements. Obviously breaking off an engagement is better than getting married and then having to get divorced because the marriage didn't work out, but as a single girl who already struggles with dating, seeing how things have turned out with others doesn't necessarily get me excited to go out and date. 

     So, for those of you out there who feel the same way I do about dating but want to get out there and give it a go, just remember Togetherness, Talk, and Time! These are the three most important things to knowing someone. Also, remember the RAM model and keep the balance with know, trust, rely, commit, and touch. The physical part of a relationship might seem more fun and appealing, but remember the goal is a long lasting relationship not a NCMO. 

     

      

Essential Differences

Before converting to the LDS church, I used to never really pay attention to the differences in gender. I knew that men and women were different but it was never anything I really gave much importance to. It wasn't until reading The Family:A Proclamation to the World that I discovered how important the differences between men and women were. I truly believe that Heavenly Father created us this way because these different characteristics combined in a marriage are essential to raising children. In class we discussed how men are aggressive and women are emotional.

As we discussed about gender in class we talked about how the fact that women are more emotional probably helps them be more nurturing and the fact that men are more aggressive most likely helps them provide for their family. Obviously, there are certain things that a mother would be more likely to do than a father and things a father would be more likely to do than a mother and I think that the reason behind this is the differences between men and women.

After discussing the roles between men and women we jumped into discussing same-sex attraction. I know what you’re thinking, how do these two topics even relate? Well I had the same thought up until this week. After watching videos and reading up on some articles on same-sex attraction I was quite shocked about what I read. Personally, I used to really believe that people with same-sex attraction were really born that way, but after reading up on it and watching interviews of people who used to be attracted to the same sex, I would have to say that I don’t believe that anymore. Through watching these videos I was able to learn that a lot of people who identify as gay or lesbian have usually been sexually abused. Also, here is where the parental roles come in, Floyd Godfrey found that some reasons why people grow up thinking they are gay or lesbian is because they have father hunger, or mother confusion. This to me sounds like they didn’t have healthy relationships with either parent, which  to me just confirms even more the importance in the differences between men and women and the importance of the roles a mother and father play.
It’s when children don’t develop a strong healthy relationship with their parents that they start looking for that love and affection from the same gender as the parent that neglects them, or at least that is what I gathered from my reading. But, something that I found very interesting was that a lot of people who claim to be gay or lesbian only actually claimed to be after they had been sexually abused. This was really interesting to me because in most cases people say they have always know that they were gay since a young age. But, at that age how can you really know if you are if you haven’t been sexually involved with someone of the same gender.
In one of the readings I found it talked about how repeating certain behaviors could create differences in the brain, i’m obviously not an expert but perhaps when a child gets told repeatedly that he is gay, he starts to believe it. After all, there is no conclusive evidence that it is a biological thing.

Cultural Traditions

As we discussed in class this week, I was reminded of my own family and the things my parents had to do to ensure that I had a good future. They wanted to make sure that all their children had a good future, so they immigrated to the U.S with my three older siblings. Once in the U.S, my older sister, me, and my younger brother were born. Similar to the families in the study we read, my parents decided to go to mexico to visit their parents because they had been away for several years. While being in mexico for six months, my dad decided to come back to the U.S by himself to get everything ready for us to come back. Luckily, it was only a couple months and not three years like the families in the study. I might not have spent a lot of time in mexico and might have been very young, but it was long enough for me to experience some of the traditions of my culture.

All through my childhood it became very apparent to me that family was very important. No one’s family is perfect, and mine is definitely not the exception. For one reason or another my siblings have stopped talking to each other in the past and might still have their differences, but one thing that I have always appreciated is that whenever we need each other we are always there for each other. This is something that I have noticed in the mexican culture, not to say that it isn’t this way in any other culture, and it is something that I have always admired. I think that the importance of family is something that I would like to be able to teach to my future family because I believe it is what has kept my family in tact. I think that teaching the importance of family to my future family will be easy, especially being a member of the LDS church because I feel that it is one of the most important things we are taught.

One thing that I have noticed in the mexican culture that I do not appreciate and have always had a problem with is the belief that men are superior to women. This is something that I have personally seen in my own family and didn’t question for the majority of my life. It wasn’t until I got older that I started to notice it more. Even now it still happens when I go back home, It will be something as simple as my mother asking me to serve my brother a plate when we eat dinner. I would never question it, but then I started to question why he couldn’t do it himself and my mother would always say it was because he went to work and came home tired. It seems that this is always the excuse for men in my family to get out of doing certain things or doing anything at all. It’s almost as if they feel like they have the right to not help out at home because they work and provide for the family. This aspect of the mexican culture is something that I would like to change because I feel that it has been the reason for some of the problems that I have had with my family, like not having the best relationship with my brothers for example. Since joining the church I have learned that husband and wife should work as equal partners.This is something that I have been able to witness through my sister and her husband and I can see how different their relationship is compared to my parents. It’s definitely the kind of relationship that I hope to have and the type of relationship my future children get to see.  

A Balance in Dynamics

Have you ever noticed when you go out to eat at a restaurant or when you’re at the grocery store the different family dynamics? It doesn’t matter how big or small the family is, there are always certain relationships within the family. For example, you have a relationship between a mother and a father, a father and a daughter, a mother and a daughter, a mother and a son, and a father and a son. In class we learned about Family Systems Theory which is a theory of human behavior that views the family as an emotional unit, or in other words, when you put stress on one person it doesn’t only affect them, it affects the people around them.

I had actually never even heard of Family Systems Theory until now but once I learned about it I started remembering certain situations about my life growing up that probably could have turned out differently had my parents had a better dynamic. In class we were able to watch a demonstration of a family dynamic while some of my classmates acted out a scenario. In this particular scenario our teacher had a family go to therapy to figure out what the problem was in this particular family dynamic and how to fix it. When the family walked in the mom sat on one bench with her son next to her and her husband on the bench next to him on his own. Now if I were in any other class I would have thought this was normal because I’ve always seen children who have a stronger bond with their mothers instead of their fathers, but because we were talking about family dynamics our teacher pointed out that preferably he’d like to see a mother and father sit next to each other. Anyway, back to the scenario. This particular family was going in because they had been having issues, the son had asthma and the mom felt like whenever her son got asthma attacks her husband wasn’t very helpful. Once he was able to ask each family member to share their perspective on the situation, it turned out that the mom would get stressed when seeing her son having an asthma attack which caused her to scream at her husband, which stressed him out seeing her panicking, which caused their son to stress seeing them arguing. In the end all of their behaviors were interrelated but they couldn’t see that because they were focused on their own perspective.

Once my teacher was able to see how all the behaviors were connected he had them all explain how they felt in this situation and once they realized that their stress was causing each other more stress he explained how to manage this situation in the future. Obviously this was just a scenario in class, but a very realistic one. I learned that when the husband and wife don’t have a strong dynamic it can lead to situations like this one.

As I thought about the husband and wife dynamic it reminded me of something I learned from another class where my teacher mentioned that the best relationships are those where the husband and wife put God first. He drew a triangle with God on the top and the husband and wife down at the bottom. He mentioned that the closer we move towards God the closer we get to our significant other. But, this is something both husband and wife have to work towards because it doesn’t really work if only one of them is moving. So remember that in order to have a good family dynamic the strongest relationship in the family should be the one with the husband and wife.

The Struggle is Real

I recently learned that the fertility rate in the U.S has gone down quite a bit, and if it gets any lower we eventually will reach a point to where the population of the earth will start to decline. I am not so worried about the earth being under populated or over populated though, “For the earth is full, and there is enough and to spare…” (D&C 104:17). What worries me is the fact that less and less children are being born. This wouldn’t be much of a concern to me if I wasn’t a member of the LDS church, but because families are ordained of God and are the central focus of His plan, it’s kind of a scary thought. I have always known, growing up, that someday I would like to become a mother. Since converting to the church I have come to understand that becoming a mother is my calling, but I have also discovered that not every woman, LDS or not, feels the same way. I have made friends throughout my time attending BYUI and have discovered that some close friends of mine really don’t think they are fit to become mothers. I wonder if this is a fear of whether they will be good or bad mothers or if they struggle with the idea to have to be responsible for someone else.  

                I can’t pretend to know their reasons for not wanting to have children, but when it comes down to it, the people that I have met that don’t have or want children have always been strong independent women who are career focused. I recently saw a documentary that mentioned that the fertility rate started to decline because of the women’s revolution, sexual revolution, divorce revolution, and individualism. All these things have contributed to such low fertility rates, but the one that has probably been the most damaging, at least in my opinion, is individualism.

                As a college student I myself have come to realize that living away from family can be kind of liberating. I was always dependent on my parents, siblings, and friends, but when I got to college all of it changed. I no longer had to let my parents know where I was going, how long I was going to be, or even check in when I got home. I was forced to grow up and become responsible for my own actions. I quickly recognized that I liked having my independence. I didn’t realize how much I enjoyed my independence until I had to live with my sister for six months to help her care for her seven-month-old daughter. Her husband worked so we were stuck at home most of the time. This meant that my sister and I would spend all day with my very energetic niece. As adorable as she is, she would ware us out. I learned very quickly that parenting is extremely hard! I didn’t have to take care of her 24/7 or even do all the things a mother does, but even then, it got me thinking if I really wanted to have children someday. It made me question if I would be a good mother or if I would even be capable of doing it. I would look at my sister, who I believe to be one of the strongest women I know and see that she would even struggle with being a mother and questioned her own capability. If she struggles I know for sure I will. In a book I read for a parenting class I am taking I learned about how men and women’s brains are wired differently for a reason. Women’s brains are wired to be more nurturing which is very important when it comes to having children. But what if we don’t consider ourselves to be very nurturing? Something my professor said was, “If women feel like they aren’t nurturing it doesn’t mean that they won’t be good mothers, they still have a female brain. Those nurturing feelings are just dormant. They are like dry mix, they just need water to be activated.”

                Obviously, I don’t have kids and question my capability of raising them, but it’s really comforting to know that I was created by a loving Heavenly Father who does everything for a reason. I am more okay with the idea of someday having children because I know that my Heavenly Father created me in a way to be capable of doing that. 

Greetings!

Hello, Everyone! My name is Anabel Vela and I am from Washington state. I am currently a sophomore at BYU-Idaho and I'm a marriage and family studies major. I'm a very family oriented person and love learning about how to make families stronger. I am taking a family relations class this semester and I am hoping to be able to share much of what I learn with all of you. Along with the insights I share on controversial topics of family life, I will share some experiences I've had with my own family. I hope you all enjoy and gain something from my posts.